Cleveland Sports Forum

Greetings!

One day a man decided to retire...


He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.

The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum
of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,

"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor
made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.
You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've
been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,


"You've built a Golf Course ?"

Sigh!... FYI.. Please join me in Remembering a Great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. The Funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

CATHOLIC HORSES




One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but
losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and
blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.


Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..




Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch
watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as
the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on
the forehead of one of the horses.


Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet
on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the
priest had blessed won the race.


Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which
horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a
horse.


Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races
continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up
coming in first.


By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last
race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick
dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing
that would tell him which horse to bet on.


True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the
last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot
of the day.


Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and
hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he
owned on the old nag.


He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.
Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the
priest was.


Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?


All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the
last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you
I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.


The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you
can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

Considering all the brilliant, devious minds we had in high school, I don't know how we missed doing this........

At a high school in Montana , a group of students

played a prank....they let three goats loose inside the school.

But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides

of the goats: 1, 2, and 4.

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.........

Subject: Mightier than a bartender

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (longshoremen, professional wrestlers, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice,

"I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender agreed, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the dried, wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and SIX drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"





The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says ... "What, Is this some kind of a joke?"

Sixties Hits Are Being Revised



Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember
doing the "Limbo” as if it were yesterday. Seems as though I know them all!


They include:

Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash
cid:2C5F1B03CF334D1F84FE9F19012CE841@JennPC

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
cid:3BC1D7B6E8A54408AF360C4C2FF76D3B@JennPC

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends
cid:91355153D00A4357B22F847657D06CFD@JennPC

The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?
cid:8FD18B52F3EB4B9290F832D03B2B6C3C@JennPC

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face?
cid:42240A27398C44A5A885E10DAB8B3029@JennPC?cid:9E5ECE7D634248ED98EAA9AE8C3E284E@JennPC


Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.?
cid:6670CA55296C4B5298339B24610A4E50@JennPC

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
cid:70F1B47FD845411F8AFC4222A60481D7@JennPC

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom
cid:5E727DDF26BD479DBFA7D8BE54F1450E@JennPC


Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair?
cid:8C6B0E11936B46249D409F71228BEE2C@JennPC

Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
cid:C7F2CAE6EC604640BEEDCAE7972BAFE0@JennPC

The Temptations --- Papa's Got A Kidney Stone
cid:444D764929454D439D3DDD4BD32550E7@JennPC


Abba---
Denture Queen cid:7B876383A4F24424BC607958230BECEA@JennPC
cid:75EBACB932B34B6CA2A5F6BD85FEB21A@JennPC"You haven't seen my teeth have you Wilma?

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
cid:5BC1E22B00304BECA309B56FB72E8832@JennPC

Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
cid:A9B62735EC67416B84CF32956F5F919F@JennPC

Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
cid:C8F64FDAD0E040FD8A3B071DD23AC014@JennPC

And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

GAYLORD: Good one, but what are all those numbers?

email garbage

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having a beer and watching the brothel across the street.



They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."



Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."



Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity ... One of the girls must be dying."

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" She asked.




The rabbit replied:
"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?",
To which the lady replied "Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said,

"I'm westing."


Sorry... I couldn't stop myself.
Have a Wonderful Easter...

That joke is funny, but if you think about it, why is it a rabbit, and why does he pronounce his Rs as Ws? It was Elmer Fudd who called Bugs Bunny a "silly wabbit," not Bugs himself.

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

I've said/heard that joke so many times in my life JR. Still funny, in a childish sort of way